I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a married man. We’ve been together for two years. He has been married for nine years. Recently, his wife who has always been emotionally abusive, found out about us and has done a complete turn around. She is suddenly willing to go to therapy, to think about his needs, etc. after nine years of the absolute opposite behavior. He says he loves me and has always maintained that he wont let her ‘trap’ him again (they were married because she got pregnant). Yet she’s once again manipulated him (even after she kicked him out of his home, wrote me a letter about how terrible he is, and forbade him from talking to his kids) and he’s decided to “give her another chance”. I love him too much to let her hurt him again and I see it happening all over. What do I do?
The short answer to your question is “bail.” It is time for you to move on and create a life for yourself without him. Having an affair with a married man, especially with children, and expecting him to leave his wife because he says he loves you, is an old story. Unfortunately a great many women fall for it, thinking that they will be the one who is going to be so loved that the man will be willing to sacrifice his family for her. More often than not, these women have a great need to be able to prove that they can be loved more the man’s current wife. Some say, that this stems from an unconscious wish for their fathers to love their daughter more than they loved their wives. Regardless of the reasons why you were available to have an affair with a married man (that’s something to be discussed with your psychotherapist), the bottom line is that you should bid him a fond farewell. He is a big boy, making grown up decisions. He does not need saving. But perhaps you do.